One of my biggest worries about moving to Vermont was that I'd change. I know that's kind of the point of going away to college - independence and freedom and whatnot - but it scared me. I've spent the last five or six years consciously trying to develop a sense of self, and what? I move out and have to start all over again?
But I was also looking forward to a less hectic schedule - I was anticipating that I would probably exercise at a less alarming rate, sleep in, drink more tea, and spend a calm semester getting to know the school. I wanted to be a more relaxed person in general, so I was looking forward to that change.
And when I got here, I did all of those things!
I slept till eight every day, I registered for a dance class and mainly used that for exercise, I became obsessed with tea, and I was careful to give myself a reasonable class schedule. I even ignored my planner!
This lasted for about two weeks. Slowly, Spring Semester '11 Molly elbowed her way back in.
For example, this morning I woke up at six and ran four miles before breakfast. I am beginning to wean myself from abundances of caffeine again. I'm starting my work study position today, and I'm interviewing for a Film Intensive tomorrow. My planner looks like that of a mad man's.
The truth is, I don't think it's in my nature to be relaxed. Those two weeks I attempted to chill out more, I often felt nauseous and freaked out. As it turns out, I really like to be busy - I like to have things to fill almost every time slot of my day. Fighting it, strangely enough, is too exhausting.
Without my trying, I've slowly returned to patterns I cultivated eight months ago. Maybe college isn't going to drastically change me - maybe I'm too set in my ways for that to happen.
So, so far, I can only document a couple changes in myself since I've come to Marlboro:
1. I eat way more vegetables, and so little meat I am dangerously close to becoming a vegetarian. But this is not because I find it morally impossible to eat bacon, but more just the dining hall soaks all their meat in some form of corn-syrupy sauce or cakes it in corn-starchy breading.
2. I'm a little shy. This is the oddest sensation in the world, and I honestly don't remember the last time I felt shy. Maybe when I first started working at AAT? But I remember feeling comfortable pretty darn quickly. Regardless, it's a strange thing for me not to be able to make eye contact with people, or feel nervous walking into the dining hall. This is slowly fading the more time I spend in the classroom - I'm such a loud mouth in there that I guess it just carries over to my social life.
Anyway, thought you guys would like to know that I'm still me, neurosis and all. I hope everyone's having a wonderful week; I can't wait to see you Booths the next time you come to visit. Jenny, there's a rumor you're the fastest kid on your soccer team, and I wanted you to know that doesn't surprise me at all. I would expect nothing less from The Fast Dragon.
But I was also looking forward to a less hectic schedule - I was anticipating that I would probably exercise at a less alarming rate, sleep in, drink more tea, and spend a calm semester getting to know the school. I wanted to be a more relaxed person in general, so I was looking forward to that change.
And when I got here, I did all of those things!
I slept till eight every day, I registered for a dance class and mainly used that for exercise, I became obsessed with tea, and I was careful to give myself a reasonable class schedule. I even ignored my planner!
This lasted for about two weeks. Slowly, Spring Semester '11 Molly elbowed her way back in.
For example, this morning I woke up at six and ran four miles before breakfast. I am beginning to wean myself from abundances of caffeine again. I'm starting my work study position today, and I'm interviewing for a Film Intensive tomorrow. My planner looks like that of a mad man's.
The truth is, I don't think it's in my nature to be relaxed. Those two weeks I attempted to chill out more, I often felt nauseous and freaked out. As it turns out, I really like to be busy - I like to have things to fill almost every time slot of my day. Fighting it, strangely enough, is too exhausting.
Without my trying, I've slowly returned to patterns I cultivated eight months ago. Maybe college isn't going to drastically change me - maybe I'm too set in my ways for that to happen.
So, so far, I can only document a couple changes in myself since I've come to Marlboro:
1. I eat way more vegetables, and so little meat I am dangerously close to becoming a vegetarian. But this is not because I find it morally impossible to eat bacon, but more just the dining hall soaks all their meat in some form of corn-syrupy sauce or cakes it in corn-starchy breading.
2. I'm a little shy. This is the oddest sensation in the world, and I honestly don't remember the last time I felt shy. Maybe when I first started working at AAT? But I remember feeling comfortable pretty darn quickly. Regardless, it's a strange thing for me not to be able to make eye contact with people, or feel nervous walking into the dining hall. This is slowly fading the more time I spend in the classroom - I'm such a loud mouth in there that I guess it just carries over to my social life.
Anyway, thought you guys would like to know that I'm still me, neurosis and all. I hope everyone's having a wonderful week; I can't wait to see you Booths the next time you come to visit. Jenny, there's a rumor you're the fastest kid on your soccer team, and I wanted you to know that doesn't surprise me at all. I would expect nothing less from The Fast Dragon.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that they don't serve meat in a way that you can physically eat it makes me not want to eat the meat either. If it was of good quality they wouldn't need to drench it in corn syrup to improve the flavor, but then again I digress.
ReplyDeleteYou can fight neurosis all you want, but unless you seek professional help (which I don't think you need by any means lol) neurosis always win.
You know what the best part of the desire to reinvent? It happens all over again when you get ready to graduate!
(sorry for the double post, needed an edit)
When I went to college I did change but it was for the better. I am still me, and I don't totally feel like a grown up, but I got more confident around people, I became less shy, I can read people better, and I don't take as much crap. I don't think my personality changed much except that I matured. The fact that you've already been to college and that you're much older than I was when I left means you've probably gone through a lot of "change" already. It may not really be all college that changes you, it could be the age of 18-23 or so that does it.
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed that you can run 4 miles. I can run maybe a block. I knew you were always a jittery person (not physically, but in personality) but I didn't realize to what extent. WOW! You're like a little machine! I don't think being busy is a bad thing. I know that when I am around the house and I have no plans, errands or appointments, I get depressed. I am happiest when I have a job or school or something to give me a schedule. I figure that being enthusiastic (this is my word for you) and constantly busy and running around like a tightly wound toy isn't a bad thing as long as you know how to relax when you get too stressed or overworked. Make sure you take breaks, even if you need to schedule them into your planner as: Drink cup of tea, space out.
The shyness is odd but it makes sense. This isn't just Tower school or somewhere nearby, you're in a totally different environment. School and new friends plus a new living space in a totally new type of area (TREES EVERYWHERE) is a lot to deal with already, so it makes sense that being friendly and meeting new people could get kind of overwhelming.
I love love love you and I'm glad that you seem to be doing well. I miss you a lot but I'm glad you're doing this college thing because it was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything. Maybe the word isn't change, but grow. I grew a lot as a person during school and I still am, and I'm thankful for that.